Nokia Software

Oh ya, i hope these jokes wouldnt make people angry....I dont mean to be racist


1st joke


Sweet Revenge
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 11th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.

Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date other people. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mail trying to win back her love.

She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So she took a polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was angry. So he wrote on the back of the photo the following; "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

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"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"

2nd jokes

Produce Boy
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half a head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a**hole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

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"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"

3rd joke

Harry Potter Wand/Wang
Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

O_______O

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

__________________

"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"

4th joke

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Why did the chicken ever cross the road? Here are the responses of some well known people...

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.

PLATO:
For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON:
'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.

RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focussed, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

BILL CLINTON:
I'm going to say something important. And I'll say it again to make sure you understand. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken. I did not.

OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

__________________

"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"

5th joke

Canoe
A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your fucking canoe!"

__________________

"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"

6th joke

WHICH ONE U CHOOSE?PRISON OR WORKSTATION?

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.


UHUAHUAHUAHUAUHAUHA

__________________

"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"

7TH JOKE

is this monkey?


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyones amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey did? The guy says, No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole! Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replies the guy. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. Ill pay for everything. The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, hes in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks. No, what? replies the guy. Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it! says the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replies the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.


LOL

__________________

"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"

Nice Jokes! +rep

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Great jokes, sorry cant add rep

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thanks^^

__________________

"A HOKAGE PROTECT HIS VILLAGE NO MATTER HOW"